I could tell this story a million times and still have a hard time believing it myself. It was so amazing that the phrase, “Too good to be true” is the grossest understatement of the century. Everyone knows I’m the biggest fantasy football nut on the planet and have been for decades (sadly, that’s plural) now. Being a true fantasy football player, I spend hours upon hours researching and preparing for each draft as though my life depended on it.
What has always baffled me over the years is how I can scout talent and draft championship teams year after year and many of the real NFL teams have no clue what they are doing with their drafts. Wouldn’t it be awesome to actually do an NFL draft? That would take the fantasy out of the fantasy football equation. I’m sure I could draft for some poor struggling NFL team (coughCarolinacough) and instantly make them better. I mean seriously, who drafts Jimmy Clausen with their 1st pick? Or any pick for that matter.
I realized after several years of saying and thinking this that the odds of me actually ever getting to be a part of an NFL draft were about the same as those of Mel Kiper rocking a mowhawk or saying something remotely intelligent (sorry Mel, gotta call it like I see it).
As fate would have it, not only would we get to participate in an NFL draft but through the strangest series of events on record, Ryan Schoon and I would be selecting the entire 1st round ourselves!
We knew getting tickets would require us to stand in line for quite some time so being the overzealous nuts we are, we set up camp in front of Radio City Music Hall in New York City 2 days before the draft. Yes…two entire days before. We realized we had jumped the gun when we were the only one’s there with our tent set up. Waking up to the sound of a bum urinating on your tent wall is slightly traumatizing by the way. To make matters worse, it started snowing. In April? Must be the global warming everyone’s talking about. The snow came down faster and faster to the point it looked more like an apocalyptic scene from a movie than a New York City street.
Ryan and I had lived in Alaska for a decade so this was fun to us. We were staying there, camping and enjoying every minute of it no matter how much snow fell. Well, that was our general stance until we awoke the morning of the draft to THREE FEET OF SNOW! I kid you not. The entire city was shut down the day of the draft. The only people that were at the Hall were the television crews, the facility management people, Ryan, myself and that annoying jackwagon Mel Kiper Jr.
I thought to myself, “Please tell me we didn’t come all this way for the draft one draft in a lifetime that will be cancelled. We dug our way out of the tent that morning and entered the Radio City Music Hall to find out what was going on. As we were wandering the halls we heard Mel Kiper on a teleconference with Roger Goodell. Goodell was telling Mel the NFL would lose way too much money if this draft didn’t go on especially with the Collective Bargaining Agreement not being finished and a possible lockout looming. Mel volunteered to conduct the draft and take phone calls from all the teams with their picks. Not possible as Commissioner Goodell was currently on the only satellite phone in the Music Hall…there was no phone contact with the outside world. Mel then volunteered to just wing it and pick the 1st round the way he thought it should go. Goodell almost choked on his own spit laughing at that prospect. At that point Mel had heard enough and proclaimed, “Well, I’ve done all I can, you figure it out then Commissioner!” Ryan and I ducked behind an open door to hide as he stormed out of the room. Curiosity got the best of us and we had to walk into the room he was in. The conversation after that went as follows:
Snake: You have to give the Commish credit for not letting Mel Kiper mess up the draft!
Ryan: No doubt, I have no idea how he still has a job.
Commish: Who is that?! Who’s there?
Snake: Just us, Rick and Ryan from Pigskinaddiction.com
Commish: Oh! I love you guys! You helped me win two titles last season!
Snake: Is this draft going to happen sir? Who’s going to make the picks if it must go on?
Commish: The draft MUST go on. TV crews are there, millions are going to watch and the revenue we would lose would be crushing. How about you two make the picks? Just for the 1st round. Do you think you know what these teams need and can pick a good 1st round?
Snake: Sir, we know EXACTLY what they need and we’d do a better job than half the GM’s in the league right now! Have faith, we’re about to pick the best 1st round of any draft you’ve ever had!
Commish: Thank You! I was afraid I was going to have to let Mel draft this whole thing and ruin the NFL forever. Get me the TV Crew chief and you two get ready to make the picks. Each team has left notes on their table, use those and pick the best possible player you can for each team.
Snake: Yes Sir! We’re all over it. Can I go fire Mel Kiper? Please?
Commish: As much as I’d love that, we need him to broadcast this thing. Do what I do and put the “Charlie Brown Teacher” filter on whenever he speaks.
Like I said, nobody would believe this story if I told it a million times but that’s exactly how the 1st round of the NFL draft for 2011 went down. Talk about being in the right place at the right time! We were going to get to draft the entire 1st round the way we thought it should go rather than watching some of these teams make mistake after mistake yet again. They can thank us with season tickets or beer…we work cheap. Here’s how the picks went down:
1. Carolina Panthers
War Room Notes: We need everything! We suck.
The Pick: DE Da’Quan Bowers- Clemson
He’s Julius Peppers part 2. They could go WR AJ Green to give themselves a dynamic offensive weapon but it will take him 2 years to be fully ready and Carolina needs impact now. Bowers gives them that great edge rusher.
2. Denver Broncos
War Room Notes: Can we suit Elway up? Our Defense got run on like a treadmill, better shore that up.
The Pick: DT Nick Fairley- Auburn
After his dominating BCS title performance, Fairley shot up the charts…he’s just about unblockable. He’ll give instant boost to this horrible defense.
3. Buffalo Bills
War Room Notes: 25 wings from the Anchor Bar, 6 pack of beer, 6 pizzas.
The Pick: CB Patrick Peterson- LSU
Since the Bills were obviously more worried about the War Room food, we’ll hook them up with a 6’2” lockdown corner with amazing speed and cover abilities. This kid is a once-a-decade talent.
4. Cincinnati Bengals
War Room Notes: WR’s to replace the Bozo-Brothers.
The Pick: WR AJ Green- Georgia
The Bozo Brothers (TO and Ocho) are taking their VH1 show on the road and Cincy needs some new weapons. Green has the physical skills to dominate and will end up being the NBT@WR i/t NFL (I flip into text mode sometimes, sorry; That’s Next Big Thing at WR in the NFL).
5. Arizona Cardinals
War Room Notes: We miss you Kurt (with a heart drawn around it).
The Pick: DT Marcell Darius- Alabama
As badly as they need a QB, there just isn’t one talented enough to warrant a 1.5 pick so they might as well shore up their other weakness. Darius is an athletic mountain that mandates double-team blocking on every play. He’ll free up the rest of the D to do other things and lock down the run.
6. Cleveland Browns
War Room Notes: New uniforms? Can we? If not, then we’ll draft anyone that can catch the rock.
The Pick: WR Julio Jones- Alabama
Julio is a big athletic WR that has the physical abilities to take over a game. He needs to work on his hands and mental focus. WR’s this big and athletic don’t come around often and Cleveland sorely needs a downfield target for Colt McCoy.
7. San Francisco 49ers
War Room Notes: Call Andrew Luck, cuss him out. Call my brother, ask him who looks like Flacco in this draft. Call Michigan, tell them they blew it 3 years ago when they hired that clown Rich-Rod.
The Pick: CB Prince Amukamara- Nebraska
Harbaugh would love to land a QB to mold here but it’s a bit of a reach for anyone that will fit his system. Mallett is a possibility but I think they take the other lockdown DB in the draft who is great on run support too and get their QB later.
8. Tennessee Titans
War Room Notes: I want a mobile QB and Fischer if you screw this up again I’m going to personally boot you to the moon! Signed: Bud Adams.
The Pick: QB Cameron Newton- Auburn
He’s mobile, has a strong arm and possesses all the mental qualities Vince Young didn’t. Cam knows how to lead and he knows how to win. It showed in the BCS game he needs a little work on his throws still but he’s got the tools to get there. Bud gets his man.
9. Dallas Cowboys
War Room Notes: Jerry needs a tic-tac…yeah he does. Did his teeth just fall out? If I here “reprioritization of the Cowboy dynasty” one more time from him I may vomit. Let’s play tic-tac-toe? Okay, you first. X
The Pick: RB Mark Ingram- Alabama
The War Room weasels were obviously bored listening to Jerry Jones. Since we get to make the pick, I’m not listening to him either. Ingram is Emmitt Smith part 2! It’s a reach this early but there’s no way Dallas could pass on that. You put a big line in front of Ingram and he’ll be Emmitt all over again. They need a running game in the worst way.
10. Washington Redskins
War Room Notes: “I need a QB to completely ruin, talk bad about and just generally hate.” Signed, Mike Shanahan.
The Pick: QB Ryan Mallett- Arkansas
Mallett has the size to see over the line and a cannon for an arm. He can make all the throws with ease. His problem will be getting rid of his “happy feet”. He feels the slightest bit of pressure in the pocket and he hits the panic button and throws INT’s. We’ll send him to Shanahan bootcamp!
11. Houston Texans
War Room Notes: How is it we only won 6 games again? We have everything, what should we draft?
The Pick: DE Von Miller- Texas A&M
The Texans really are the most talented 6-10 team to ever play in the NFL. They have studs at every position and yet they can’t seem to win games. Miller gives them a devastating rush end opposite Mario Williams. The two of them will wreak absolute havoc on AFC QB’s.
12. Minnesota Vikings
War Room Notes: Call Brett one more time, notify ESPN of “Un-retirement IV”.
The Pick: DE JJ Watt- Wisconsin
The Vikes need a QB but they’re too old to develop a rookie. They’ll have to hit the FA market for that. Everything else is good so adding a future Jared Allen before Allen is actually gone will give this defense an adrenaline shot they need.
13. Detroit Lions
War Room Notes: WWNSD (What Would Ndamukong Suh do?) We are Lions hear us roar! We won 6 games now we try for 2 more!
The Pick: DE Aldon Smith- Missouri
Smith is an athletic freak whose stats aren’t big because he missed a lot of time. Adding him as an edge rusher with Suh holding down the middle gives the Lions an awesome D-line. They truly are on the rise now.
14. St. Louis Rams
War Room Notes: Bradford needs a WR or they will bury him under the turf this year.
The Pick: WR Jonathan Baldwin- Pittsburgh
Baldwin has a scary size-speed combo that DB’s just can’t match up with. He’s unpolished but with some work he could be Plaxico Burress part 2, in his prime and minus the handgun down the pants shooting stuff. Bradford needs a WR weapon or he’ll get killed again.
15. Miami Dolphins
War Room Notes: GET A QB…preferably one that throws more passes to our team instead of our opponents.
The Pick: QB Blaine Gabbert- Missouri
Gabbert is the flavor of the month at QB. Personally I don’t think he’s even close to ready yet and his work ethic leaves something to be desired but he’s got great size and mobility and a very strong arm. Miami will take another shot at finding a franchise QB here.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars
War Room Notes: Anyone that can give us more than 3 sacks over the last 5 games! We need a pass rusher more than Mel Kiper needs hairspray!
The Pick: DE Robert Quinn- North Carolina
Jacksonville is the worst pass-rushing team in the league. They just can’t get to opposing QB’s and as a result their secondary gets carved like Thanksgiving bird. Quinn gives them that big athletic rusher off the edge they’ve needed for so long now.
17. New England Patriots
War Room Notes: I hate Rex. I hate Rex. I hate Rex. I hate Rex. I hate Rex.
The Pick: DE/DT Cam Heyward- Ohio State
New England has 2 picks in each of the first 3 rounds…the rich get richer. Heyward is a perfect fit for the Pats. He can play inside or out and Hoodie will even have him drop in zone coverage. He’s a dream for this defense; Big, agile and fast. Yippee, the Pats score again.
18. San Diego Chargers
War Room Notes: O-line, D-line and a babysitter for Vincent Jackson.
The Pick: DE/OLB Ryan Kerrigan- Purdue
The Chargers could use a boost on either line. Their pass rush would get an instant boost with Kerrigan. He’s a speedy edge rusher who can play OLB and has that non-stop motor we see in the great ones. They could go O-line here to keep Philip Rivers upright.
19. New York Giants
War Room Notes: 5 pit bulls sent to Michael Vick’s house ASAP.
The Pick: OLB Akeem Ayers- UCLA
The G-men need an athletic LB that can fly all over the field as well as rush the passer. Ayers fits the bill perfectly. It’s been a while since they’ve had one of those LB’s.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
War Room Notes: We own this draft…just like last year! Bring on the thugs.
The Pick: DE Adrian Clayborn- Iowa
Clayborn has amazing physical talent but a boatload of issues as well. He’s a bit of a head case and the Bucs love that (See WR Mike Williams). Clayborn didn’t have a stellar year in 2010 but that won’t scare the Bucs away. They need someone opposite Gerald McCoy to bring the pain.
21. Kansas City Chiefs
War Room Notes: A bodyguard or two for Cassel.
The Pick: OT Tyron Smith- USC
Smith is a behemoth at tackle and exactly what the Chiefs need to keep Cassel upright and Jamaal Charles exploding into the secondary. They could easily go D-line here as well as that’s another area of need. For now we’ll give them Smith and call that offense great.
22. Indianapolis Colts
War Room Notes: Peyton yelled at us all morning to get him a big OT.
The Pick: OT Gabe Carimi- Wisconsin
Carimi is just what the doctor ordered for the Colts offense. Manning was sacked more than groceries this past season and he’s just not used to that. Carimi is your typical corn-fed nasty monster that will block the snot out of people. He’s Peyton’s new BFF.
23. Philadelphia Eagles
War Room Notes: 52 sacks surrendered this year and most of those against the fastest QB in the league…we need beef!
The Pick: OT Derek Sherrod- Mississippi State
The Eagles O-line needs a overhaul. The rest of the league has figured out the way to beat Michael Vick is to punish him. Sherrod gives them a little more protection for their Superman QB.
24. New Orleans Saints
War Room Notes: Run D help and a running back that doesn’t get hurt when the wind blows.
The Pick: DT Stephen Paea- Oregon State
It wouldn’t shock me to see them go RB with Leshoure here but should they decide to go defense Paea gives them an interior wall to stop all the running. The Saints run D was a sieve last season and they just can’t get back to the promised land without help there.
25. Seattle Seahawks
War Room Notes: We made Jay Cutler look like Joe Montana…I think we need some pass D help.
The Pick: DB Janoris Jenkins- Florida
Jenkins is a super-athletic lockdown DB that likes to play physical and always finds himself around the ball (ala Ed Reed). This gives Seattle at least one side of the field that can’t be shredded by opposing QB’s.
26. Baltimore Ravens
War Room Notes: Re-stock and Reload…we will destroy our enemies both foreign and domestic.
The Pick: DE Allen Bailey- Miami FL
Putting an athletic beast like Bailey on the end would fit perfectly in this defense. Corey Redding was so-so, Bailey gives them another monster off the edge opposite Suggs. This could get even scarier.
27. Atlanta Falcons
War Room Notes: Just called T-Gonz, he said he’s reading “How to Retire” by Brett Favre and he’d call us back when he’s done.
The Pick: TE Kyle Rudolph- Notre Dame
Tony Gonzalez is still one of the best TE’s in the game at the ripe old age of 35, it’s time to bring in his successor. If T-Gonz doesn’t hang up the cleats he can tutor the kid for a year. Rudolph has awesome athleticism and provides a mismatch nightmare for defenses.
28. New England Patriots
War Room Notes: All your picks are belong to us!
The Pick: DE/OLB Justin Houston- Georgia
It’s almost disgusting hooking the Patriots up with Cam Heyward first and now Justin Houston. That defense is going to be downright scary. They gave up a lot of yards last year and adding the speedy Houston to the mix will help stop that. Heyward and Houston on the outside, Jerod Mayo in the middle…good night Irene.
29. Chicago Bears
War Room Notes: Number of death threats received from crazy Chicago fans saying we better fix our O-line or else: 453,327.
The Pick: OT Anthony Castonzo- Boston College
The Bears need O-line help like you wouldn’t believe. Cutler had grass-back almost every game and Forte couldn’t find much room to run against good D’s. O-line is a HUGE need. Castonzo gives them a big athletic lineman with good feet (insert Rex Ryan joke here).
30. New York Jets
War Room Notes: (A drawing of a bunch of feet) Oh that’s just creepy. All these feet and a little note, “Draft someone with good feet”. Poor Rex.
The Pick: DE/DT Cameron Jordan- Cal
The Jets offense is pretty much set so they’ll look to add more toys to the defensive side of the ball. Jordan is an excellent tackle with enough athleticism to slide outside in passing situations. He’ll fit perfectly up front with the Jets scheme.
31. Pittsburgh Steelers
War Room Notes: Must have another Pouncey!
The Pick: OG Mike Pouncey- Florida
The Steelers drafted one Pouncey brother last year and he’s an All-Pro, why mess with that kind of success? If it’s not broken, don’t fix it! They add another Pouncey and the brothers hold down the interior of the Steeler line for the next decade.
32. Green Bay Packers
War Room Notes: If Rodgers gets hit one more time in the helmet he’s Batman, we better keep him safe.
The Pick: OT Nate Solder- Colorado
Solder lacks polish but he’s incredibly strong and athletic. The Packers will school him up and have him watching Rodgers’ back in a year or so. They could use D-line help as well but protecting Rodgers after the playoff show he just put on becomes top priority.
